| Thomas's profileBluegrassManBlogListsNetwork |  Tools  Help |
|
July 06 Kids Summer To Do ListEvidently the college student (Laura) who is watching my children over the summer asked the kids to put together a list of things they can do. I found it on the refrigerator. It starts out tame but gets interesting...
Brooke (age 10)
Jake (age 13)
June 12 Great Marketing Is Lost On Women…I am driving in the minivan with the family a while ago and while accelerating from a dead stop it did on of those ehhhhhAHHHHHHehhhh things. You know, you press on the gas and it shifts in to a gear that revs the engine and then shifts back to a normal gear. My wife gave me a little look, kind of like “drive much?” and I follow up the look with “This thing needs a HEMI!” This is where it get funny…My wife says back to me, “how would a battery help?” Me now, “a battery?” her “yeah, isn’t that what a HEMI is?”. What follows is me discussing the obvious benefits and beauty of a engine with a hemispherical head. Of course I really do not know what I am talking about but it sounds good I am sure, I mean I hope. Anyway I do get the fact that it is an engine not a battery. After this my wife says, “This makes the commercials make sense, I could not figure out why those guys were so excited about a battery.” Of course I end up laughing my tail off and put it on my memory banks as a bloggable event so I could share it with the rest of the world. Maybe Dodge should have another marketing campaign just talking about what a HEMI is. There might be others out there who have no clue what they are talking about. April 18 I Met Her At H&R BlockYou have probably figured out by the title that this is a story about how I met my wife. After graduating High School and spending one semester in college as an Agribusiness major, I decided to drop out and find myself. I could probably write another complete entry here on things to do to make your college experience successful since I did a really good job at being unsuccessful my first semester in college. The keg cooler in my apartment, among other things, was a bad idea. I am not sure if I was trying to find myself or just figure out what I wanted to do with my life in the way of a career. Agribusiness was not cutting it for me; I really just chose it as my major because I had spent some time working with my dad at a fertilizer plant he ran. I thought that maybe I could graduate with an Agribusiness degree and then work as a sales representative for an agricultural chemical company. Working at my dad’s plant, I met many people with this job and I thought it would be an acceptable career. The problem is, I hated plant biology and also was not fond of the animal husbandry classes I had to take. I also felt like a misfit in my major, maybe it was because my shoes never had crap on them on a daily basis like the others. Since I dropped out, I had to find some employment to carry me over the winter months until the contractor I had a job with began building houses again. I am pretty sure that my plan at the time was to work as a carpenter or contractor for the rest of my life. In the meantime I was working as a busboy at Alexander’s Steak House, which did not pay many bills, so I had to move back in with my parents. It that wasn’t bad enough…my older sister had recently graduated from college and was back home looking for a job and living in my old bedroom…which meant that I ended up sleeping on a mattress in a back room in the basement. Living at home with my parents meant that I was expected to attend church with them and it was here that I found another job to help me earn some money until my construction job started up again for the season. There was a woman at church who managed the H&R Block offices in our town and at church one Sunday I discovered that she might have a job for me. She asked me to come in and interview with her and a day or so later I was employed as a Tax Form Processor and fill-in Receptionist. I know it sounds glamorous but I have to tell you that really I was just responsible for driving around the community and collecting the finished tax returns from satellite H&R Block offices, checking the math on the tax returns (yes, kids, this was before computers did it) and then making 3 copies of the returns (yes this was before copiers were outfitted with collators) and then delivering them back to all the offices. As part of this job, I was also asked to attend Receptionist training so I could help out when the young ladies who usually did it were off attending school, like good college students. I do not know what they were thinking when they tried to make me a receptionist, even today I cannot handle the phone. Today, if someone asks me forward a phone call, it puts me in panic mode and usually involves a desperate search for the “Using Your Phone” manual. The thought of sitting in front of a multi-line phone answering the phone, putting calls on hold, and then forwarding calls to people still terrifies me. Anyhow, it was during my H&R Block receptionist training that I met my future wife. This training involved me sitting with 2 or 3 other people of the opposite sex and the manager of the office. We watched really bad videos on topics such as “How to answer the phone” and the like. At one point my future wife walked in the room to ask the manager a question and looked right at me and said, “What are you doing in here?” I am not sure how I answered the question but I do remember much laughter from everyone else in the room. Even though I was only 19 at the time, I had the desire to find my soul mate and settle down and there was something about this girl that did it for me. This girl seemed like someone I might be able to spend my life with and even though she had completely emasculated me in front of my coworkers, I found the courage to ask this girl out. Things start to get a little fuzzy here…remember, this was 19 years ago and I have man memory…I remember that our first date was at a restaurant that is long gone named The Bombay Bicycle Club. We may have gone to a movie after dinner, I am not totally sure about this. But, what I do remember is that after the date I told this girl that I felt like she was the person I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Of course, she thought I was completely crazy. In an effort to keep this readable this is all I intend to write at this time. I am sure you figured out that we did get married, we are still living happily aver after, and yes she still does it for me. I plan on continuing this thread in the future. From the time in my life covered here to today there is much ground to cover. I could write a book and I probably will. Let me know if you like reading these or if I am just boring you to tears. April 03 Daylight Saving TimeEvery year we go through the same thing...spring forward...fall back...and every year I ask why?
This morning, like every work day, I got up at 5:30 which is really 4:30 on the old time and worked until 3:00 which is really 2:00 on the old time. I was kind of liking the fact that I was really leaving work at 2:00. Yeah I know it is now 3:00 but every year for about 2 weeks after the time change I go through this mental exercise of thinking about what time it would have been if the time did not change. When I got home and sat on the couch to listen to my daughter read I realized that I am really tired. Yes, I am tired because I got up at 4:30 (old time) as if 5:30 (old time) is not bad enough already.
Like I said it takes my body at least two weeks to adjust to the time change. These weeks are filled with me doing my mental exercise to figure out the time and me complaining to anyone within earshot about the time change. I also usually tend to get exhausted in these two weeks and I can remember getting sick a few times in my life near the change.
Do we really need to do this? Can we just pick A time one way or the other and stick with it? Or maybe, we could just move the clocks a half hour ahead and leave them there...FOREVER! By doing this we would get the best of both worlds.
I am thinking about writing a strongly worded letter to my state officials in a futile attempt to get this changed. OK, nevermind, I am too tired to do that.
March 23 Farewell to Dummy
Dummy, I am sorry to see you go. I tried to bond with you but you would only growl, hiss and sometimes bite me. You were a definately a master of your domain. I am sure you are now enjoying an endless supply of tuna and shrimp, and there is always somebody willing to turn on the water faucet for you. Oh, and I hope there are a few bathroom rugs around for you to poop on. Farewell. March 22 Are All Wives Clumsy?This morning I am in the kitchen pouring my bowl of Grape Nut O's and I hear my wife starting her shower in our bathroom on the second floor. A few seconds later I hear a loud thud followed by a couple of other crashing sounds. Since I did not hear any screams or yelps for help I decide I can continue on preparing my breakfast. Maybe it was just a shampoo bottle falling off a shelf in the shower and hitting the floor.
Next I notice that the shower is shutting off, which is strange because the water has only been running for a couple of minutes. A minute later she is standing in the kitchen saying, "can you come upstairs and help me put the shower curtain back up? I fell down in the shower". For some reason her little accidents make me mad...a reaction that makes her mad also...so I tried to contain myself and went upstairs and rehung the shower curtain and soon after she was hapily taking her shower.
I know it is insensitive for me to get mad when these things happen but in my defense they happen often. About a month ago I was laying in bed slipping into slumber (no pun intended) and was abruptly awoken by a loud thud coming from the stairwell between the 1st and 2nd floor in our home. I laid there for a second listening for sounds, such as moaning or swearing, I heard nothing. The fact that I did not hear anything caused me to quickly jump out of bed and run toward the stairwell...expecting to find my wife lifeless at the bottom of the stairs. When I got to the stairs I was met by my wife, who I guess was trying to be quiet after the fall, saying "I fell down the stairs". As if I didn't hear the really loud thud that nearly gave me a heart attack. Again, I was mad. I think I said something like, "you need to be more careful" and "what do you think your doing?".
I really do not know why this makes me mad. I think I am really in a state of fear and it just comes out as anger. The fear I have is that someday during one of her bouts of clumsiness she is going to get hurt really bad. I am too young to be wifeless!
But wait, there is more to the shower story...tonight after I get home my wife and I talked a little bit about her fall. We laugh a little about it and then she says, "do you want to hear the whole story?".
What follows is a story about her desire to turn the shower curtain liner around because it is discolored after a recent cleaning. She climbs up on the edge of the tub and then decides that she does not really want to turn the liner around so she decides to step down. Since I was in the shower only fifteen minutes earlier once her foot hits the bottom of the tub she slips and falls and tries to grab the shower curtain to stop her fall. Grabbing the shower curtain causes the curtain rod to come crashing down, which is the crashing sound I heard when I was in the kitchen. What followed was a futile attempt to put the curtain back up. This accounted for the other crashing sounds I heard. After a couple attempts she came to her senses (not wanting to break anything else in the bathroom) and she came downstairs and got me.
Mabe I have a reason to be mad. Maybe she is really doing dumb things to get herself hurt. I am still waiting to hear if there is a "rest of the story" regarding the stair incident.
Am I the only person experiencing this phenomenon or are others experiencing the same thing?
March 21 No Need to Pluck My Ear Hair AnymoreMy daughter is always looking at my ears and telling me that I need to pluck my ear hair. Yesterday while surfing the web I found someone who puts my ear hair to shame. This turns my stomach but since I found it on the internet it must be true.
World's Longest Ear Hair!
This is the actual caption I found with this photo...Radhakant Bajpai, 50, of Naya Ganj, India, is one of many medical record breakers to make their way into this year's Guinness World Records Book. The hair sprouting from his outer ears measures 13.2cm (5.19 inches) at its longest point and was confirmed by Dr. R. P. Gupta. Mr. Radhakant says, "God has been very kind to me." It is funnier if you read the quote in your best Apu (from the Simpsons) imitation.
I wonder what Mr Bajpai would consider as an unkind blessing from God. March 02 The Fart GameMy side of the family is well known for having gas issues. I remember my Grandfather had issues, my Dad has issues, and I definetely have gas issues too. There is no logic to what causes it, I bet I could switch to a all water diet and still be blessed with gas.
Tonight after arriving home with the kids after picking them up from school I walked in the door and dropped the bomb. It was one of the silent type so it was not immediately noticed by my children. My son began hanging up his coat in our laundry room, the scene of the crime, and my daughter immediately followed. I moved to the kitchen and pretended to read the mail while I was really paying attention to the humor that was about to happen.
When my daughter entered the area she quickly noticed the stench and began to blame my son. Then my son got a wiff of the odor, I am sure he also noticed me giggling in the kitchen, and the blame shifted rightfully to me. I have a hard time holding in the laughter while playing this game that I like to call the Fart Game. With all the practice I have you would think I would be better at containing the laughter, but I am not. Oh well, for me I guess the Fart Game will never get old.
Here are some other variations of the game I enjoy playing...
I am sure I am not the only person who plays this game. If you have your own variation I would enjoy hearing about it. February 26 Friends Don't Like Friends In Their UnderwearThis past weekend my family went to Wisconsin Dells and stayed at a water park resort with two other families. The condo we stayed in had two gas fireplaces that have 30 minute timers. The people we were with enjoyed keeping the fireplaces burning, I think it was just because we were not paying for the natural gas. I have never visited either of the other two family’s homes and been as hot as I was this weekend.
Needless to say, I was overheated most of the weekend while in the condo. At one point on Saturday the adults were sitting in the family room watching TV. I was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt over a t-shirt. I do not think there was anything odd about this choice of clothing since it is February in Wisconsin. Since I was hot I decided to shuck off my sweatpants to cool myself off. I did not think this was a big deal since I was wearing a pair of boxer briefs and I have known all these people for a long time. I was wrong and it turned into constant badgering from my friends, enough so that I had to go put something else on.
I really do not understand why it bothered everyone. Underwear is a lot like a swimsuit and no one cared when I walked around in my swimsuit this weekend. At least they were clean underwear without any holes.
Another life lesson learned...No matter how comfortable you are with your friends they do not care to see you in your underwear. February 21 Better Than Restaurant Baby Back RibsWhat you need:
To make the ribs... Around noon the day you plan on cooking your ribs spread out some tin foil and generously sprinkle the dry rib rub on both sides of the ribs. Wrap the ribs in the foil and put them in the refrigerator. About 2 hours before you plan on eating remove the ribs from the fridge and the foil and place them in a roasting pan, generously sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Pour one can of beer in the roasting pan around, not over, the ribs and cover the pan. Put the covered pan in a 325 degree oven for at least one hour and fifteen minutes. About 15 minutes before you plan on removing the ribs from the oven, start your grill and allow the grill to preheat to a medium-high heat. Remove the ribs from the oven and transfer them to the grill. Cook the ribs on the grill for about 15-20 minutes, turning them a couple of times. Turn the grill down to low and begin slathering the ribs with BBQ sauce, turning them a couple more times. Do not allow the sauce to burn. Remove the ribs from the grill, transfer them to your table and enjoy. We like to serve our ribs with sauerkraut, potatoes and onions (recipe to follow) and some sort of bread. Please let me know how your ribs turn out. I think you will agree that these ribs are better than restaurant ribs. February 20 Under ConstructionI know that "Under Construction" is lame...some day I will get around to hammering out a topic.
I am really not much of a writer and am not someone who cares to share my personal thoughts but my wife tells me that doing this would be good exercise.
Topics I am considering, in no particular order...
If you have any other suggestions, please let me know. |
|
|
